Texting at meals: Usually *really* not cool

"Husbands, wives, children and dinner guests who would never be so rude as to talk on a phone at the family table seem to think it’s perfectly fine to text," the New York Times reports. A therapist told the Times that texting while eating has become a major topic between spouses in marital counseling. It's as if the issue - for old and young cellphone users alike - is sound levels rather than attention to the people present. One dad admitted that, though he never texted at the table, he did read emails. "A few months ago, a family meeting was convened. The ... 7-year-old twin daughters made their feelings known. Their father agreed to cease using his iPhone during dinner" and told the Times he was 95% there. The Times adds that, among adults, men are the worst mealtime phone users, while among teens, girls are). [See also "House rules for teen texting" and "Cellphone etiquette."]

House rules for teen texting

I really like MomHouston's "10 rules for tween texting", but I recommend that - before they're unveiled (ideally in a family discussion) - parents have repercussions in mind for when rules are not followed, as well as for who pays when a phone's dropped in a tub or pool! Most of these are great for teens too, especially "No texting after bedtime," "Answer me when I'm texting you," and "More than 10 texts in a row and it's time to pick up the phone" (some of these fall under the "Get a life" category, or in the Think About the Message Behind the Text Department). So much of this is common sense and courtesy, which stand us all in good stead regardless of age or the technology or device being used. For example, "Don't text while fighting" is just the cellular version of "If you're angry, sleep on it" (before you write, call, comment, email, blog, etc., etc.). This is about parenting, not technology! As we model this phone behavior for our kids, fewer rules are needed. A couple of MomHouston's rules are more like pet peeves, which is fine - one size never fits all where kids' tech use is concerned. One minor point where I differ with her: I'm not entirely sure I'd want my kids to turn off the ringer - sometimes it's good to hear how much they're texting, especially when they're supposed to be focused on something else, such as homework or what Grandma's saying! Lord knows their phones are on vibrate and they're in stealth mode enough of the time. But tell me if you disagree with any of this (in comments here or in our ConnectSafely forum. For more on ageless cellphone etiquette for everybody, see this in the Washington Post.

Mobile parenting

I especially liked Nos. 4 and 6 in Marian Merritt's blog post about how parents can help their kids keep mobile phone use safe and affordable. If you use cellphone parental controls (she speaks to those, and I wrote about them last May here), "tell your child you are installing and using parental controls and show them the details on what you'll be limiting." She adds that this is not the time to be spying on your child." I agree, for the simple reason that, if you did monitor them surreptitiously and found something untoward, you'd have to talk with them anyway, and then it'd be really hard to keep anger and communication breakdown at bay. There is one exception, though: If your child is spending an unusual amount of time online and is being secretive and uncommunicative, monitoring software might be justified to ensure s/he's not at risk. For more on mobile parenting, see our "Cellphone Safety Tips" at ConnectSafely.org. A couple of other posts on the subject: "Teen uber-texters" and "Cellphone etiquette."

Cellphone etiquette

I think you will appreciate, as I did, these fundamentals for working with young cellphone users on the best ways and places to use those phones. They're from author and parenting specialist Jan Faull. She looks at where to talk, when to talk, and the example we grownup cellphone users are setting for them. Here are a couple more pointers I would add: 1) Know when and how much your child is using his mobile - for talking and texting (the latter being silent, so harder to get a handle on) - and establish boundaries. 2) Know what else she's using her phone for (photo-sharing? video-uploading?) and talk about the implications for her and other people in what's being shared. See also ConnectSafely.org's "Cellphone Safety Tips" and this on a study about the role of cellphones in "teen dating abuse" and what parents know about it.